Applause

A professor tries to teach the grammar of “applause” while fending off interruptions from a restless student. What follows is a lesson in words, languages — and unexpected appreciation.

“There are any number of ways,” the Professor said, “we could define applause. The main point is that, like other mass nouns, it’s an uncountable noun — a collection of items you cannot count. A mass noun doesn't, therefore, have…” She stopped, hoping for an answer. Silence filled the room, save for a recalcitrant student in the back-left corner, tapping on his phone. As he wasn’t looking at her, she withheld the scowl she usually reserved for handing back poorly written papers.

“As a plural form,” she continued, “popular mass noun examples are blood or clothing — it’s incorrect to say ‘bloods’ or ‘clothings…’”

“Of course,” she went on. “No one here would say that. It seems almost natural such a faux pas would—”

“—Sorry, what was that?” said Tapper from the back. “Faux pas…?”

“It’s another noun,” she replied. “It means committing embarrassing, tactless behaviour in a social situation.”

He merely held her gaze.

“On the other hand,” she said, “there’s the bon mot — a French word meaning a clever or witty remark, an apt comment people call a ‘good word’. Its plural is bons mots.”

Tapper sighed. “I thought this was an English class. This morning has been nothing but other languages. What do we want with how Frogs or Italians talk? We speak English here.”

“It’s because,” she said, masking her weariness with a steady voice, “English has adopted — some would say absorbed — words and ideas from other tongues.”

His sigh was theatrical. “Ya know, I reckon that’s a crock of—”

“I assure you,” she interrupted, “the term I stopped you from uttering originally meant lie, hypocrisy, falsehood — much like what you were about to assert.” When it came to students like Tapper, her job — and her temper — were not worth it. This cohort had been a challenge all term, but she nevertheless finished with encouraging words about the forthcoming exam and the holidays.

Before she could conclude, a girl in the middle row stood and began to applaud. Others followed. There were broad smiles and “thank you for making it interesting” as they shuffled off to the next class. Only Tapper remained. When she reached him, she smiled.

“Anything you need?”

“Nah,” he said. “It was an interesting class. I mean, who knew English stole so many words and then pretended they were its own?”

“Well — I’m glad you challenged me. Keeps us all on our toes.”

He grinned. “That’s what I do with most classes. Most teachers get annoyed. One bloke kicked me out, but not you. You answer questions and you make the language…interesting.”

He gave a sheepish clap, smiled, and slipped out toward the student lounge

.